driving me crazy...
I'm not sure what has gotten me more upset lately: the situation with Jose, the unstable qualities in select friends, or the conditions that I live in at my house.
It's hard living here. I understand that it must be equally hard for my parents. After all, I am their first born child, who they almost lost when I was born, and now I'm grown up and they have to slowly start letting go. But instead of realizing that I am 18 years old and they cannot hold on to me for the rest of my life, they seemed to have grasped on tighter. Unfortunately for me, this means more strict rules, a lot of blame for everything that happens, a constant reminder that anytime something goes wrong "we can kick you out, Megan Renee!"
Scenario One: I pushed them over the edge when I got my belly button pierced last night, much to their dismay. I didn't do it behind their backs or anything. Rather, before I left my house, I told them "I'm going to get my belly button pierced." Their responses went something like this "You were born with only so many holes in your body. I don't see why you need anymore."
Of course, that little speech didn't convince me of anything. I've wanted it down forever almost and now that I was finally able to, I wanted to get it done!
Scenario Two: My mom comes home from the grocery store and asks me if I had seen $10 laying around anywhere. I tell her no and help her look for it. We can't find it and she drops the topic almost immediately.
Or so I think. I'm sitting here on the computer, minding my own business, when my mom walks into the living room, holding a ten dollar bill. She shows it to my dad. They both promptly ask me how a ten dollar bill got into my mom's purse. Of course, I did it. Even though I have money in my own purse and in my drawer, left over from my birthday. So now my mother isn't speaking to me because of something that I didn't do and would never even consider doing!
Needless to say, tensions in my home are a little high, especially when it comes to me right now. I know there is nothing that I can do about it and regardless of what I do, I do something wrong, but those facts still do not console me. It's breaking my heart to know that I don't have to do anything at all for my mom to be pissed off and hate me for the day. Trust me, she isn't the kind of person you want mad at you.
I'm trying so hard to stay calm, and to just keep my patience with my parents. I know that they love me, but I don't understand why they have to show me by treating me like a child. They really are continuing to push me away and they only have a few more months with me before I'm going to leave. I'm just trying to save up the right amount of money to get my own apartment. It's insane to know that I'm 18 and when my parents tell me to go to bed at 9:00 PM, I have to listen because otherwise my life will be a living hell. They are driving me to do so many things that I had given up... I hadn't harmed myself in so long, and they've brought me to the brink, where I feel like there is no turning back.
Robert is trying to help me through it. He listens to me when I need someone to talk to. However, like in every new relationship, it's hard for them to see the flaws in your family life. I really like him, and I don't want him to know how crazy my life can be. I don't want him to know the awful stories of my past. How do you tell someone "Not to scare the shit out of you, but I used to slice my arms and legs on a daily basis, and now that my parents have gone Hitler style on me, it's almost impossible to not do it again." Or try saying to him, "The reason my friends are on my case about food is because I used to be anorexic and now I feel inadequate and have slowly stopped eating."
I wonder if I told my parents that the reason I have bloody towels in my room and bruises all over my body is because they are driving me crazy, if they would take the literally.
Because sooner or later, they may just do that...