With all the tradegy going on in the world, I would like to extend my condolences to all the friends and family members of those on the Columbia.

I'm trying to find the will to be strong. I know that somewhere inside me is a strong woman who can pull through this. Does that make the pain any less? Not at all. In fact, I think it may intensify it just a bit. He called me today. He wants to be my friend, my best friend because he still loves me. Lord knows that I still love him. I'm trying so hard to stay true to myself. I need to make myself happy for once in my lifetime, unfortunately, that may mean hurting people in the process. It's not that I want to hurt anyone and Lord also knows about all the times that he has made me cry. He left me. I have to remember that. And now that he realizes that he took me for granted, he wants me back and yes, I would love to just drop all reservations about this and take him back.

Then I close my eyes and remember the many things he has done to me in the course of the two years that I loved him. Called me names, lied to me.. Wednesday, the pain of what he did can never be erased.

I'm trying to move beyond all of this. Is being his friend going to make things a bit better, or is it going to cause more pain? I'm honestly not too sure. Hearing his voice brought back so many thoughts and memories about the countless hours we used to spend on the phone, late at night, early in the morning, in the middle of the afternoon, professing our love to one another. Where did the simplicity of the situation go?

I've been seeing someone else. His name is Robert and he is a beautiful person, inside and out. He makes me smile. A genuine smile that starts at the depths of my soul. He is there for me when no one else is there. He treats me as though I'm someone important, someone worth taking the time to treat me like a woman. No one ever treats me as though I'm a woman. I'm not a little girl, I'm not a dog, and I'm not a plaything. I have feelings. I cry and I bleed. I get angry and I get depressed.

Robert calls when he says he is going to call. He goes out of his way to make me happy, like taking 10 minutes out of the limited time he has to relax after school to come to my house before work. He makes sure that I'm okay with things that he does, and he makes sure that I'm smiling. He looks into my eyes and he sees the real me that is inside and he never asks me to hide my true feelings, whether they are tears of sorrow, sparklers of happiness, or sparks of anger.

No, he is not Jose. He will never be able to fill the void that Jose left in my heart. I don't want him to replace Jose. Because Jose is irreplaceable. He truly took over my soul. I'm slowly putting the pieces back together again, this time in the places I feel as though they belong. Robert is simply helping me to find where exactly they go.

I wonder every day why. I ask why me? why pain? and I never really get an answer. But I know that though the love that I have had and held onto may fade a bit, it will never go away or be replaced. Instead, I will open up another bit of my heart to be broken and in the end, the broken pieces will no longer matter, because the memories will overcome them.

yesterday - tomorrow